My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out.
Had a few drinks. Nice guy. 
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He’s a web designer.
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What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally.
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A Kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
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The people of Dubai don’t like the flinstones…
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But the people of Abu Dhabi do.


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I only believe in 12.5% of the bible.
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I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.



I got fired from a keyboard factory because I didn’t put in enough shifts.
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So they wouldn’t let me return or enter.
They even changed the caps locks.



I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered. 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
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That was a trip down memory lane.



My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?!”
So I took her to dinner and a movie…

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.



A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says:“Uno, Dos…”
Poof.

He disappeared without a tres.



I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”

So, I brought her nothing.



When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
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She just wants a shoulder to crayon.



I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs”.
I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma”

Then it hit me. 
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The coins in the pocket of a WW1 soldier managed to stop a bullet.
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You might say it was his life savings.



“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me across the face.

“The men I please are none of your business!”